Regrets
While I lie on my deathbed I can't help but reminisce the past. And, the more
I think the more I remember. The more I remember, the more I regret. I think
about what had been and what could have been.
The doctors tell me that I have some kind of a deadly disease of which I care no more than I do about the news in the gossips column. It doesn't matter if I know the name of the disease or not. Either way, I’ll die. They tell me I don't have long but that isn't news to me. I’m a dying man and I know it.
I did some great things back in the day. Things that everyone could feel proud of were they the doer. I too,am proud of those things but it doesn't satisfy me. Because... when you lie on the deathbed, it doesn't matter how much good you've done over the years. What does matter is all the things you could've done. Things you could've done differently. And, the irony is there always is an alternative.
I have many regrets. But I don't regret that I've many regrets. I know what I'm saying sounds idiotic. But you'll get what I mean in the next few sentences. Probably.
What I regret above all is not holding on to her tighter. Not trying harder. I now know that it is the greatest mistake of my life and I've known it for quite some time. But it was all a little too late. I never thought I was ever alone. I never felt alone. Not until that dark gloomy day. I always attributed me not feeling alone to the fact that I had many friends and well wishers. But I now know I couldn't have been more wrong. No doubt I had won over quite some people over the years and, yet me not feeling alone had nothing to do with the number of friends I had.
Like any other day I was sitting on the rocking chair admiring the beauty of the inevitable cycle of nature. The laligurans tree once so beautiful... full of laligurans and green leaves stood sad and barren in the garden. But still I admired it . Because I knew it was necessary. For without it ,the next generation of laligurans would never be able to see the light of day. I knew there's no life without death. Life and death are not two different things. They are in a way the two parts of the same thing. There is death because there is life. And death is not the end but rather a beginning of something else. You die...you decay...you fuel another life. I fully comprehended the idea of life and death. And believed I could see anyone die and not feel sad about it.
But life is not so straightforward. The very next day I had a visitor...one of my friends. He told me that someone had died. And even before he revealed who it was, I felt cold,inside and out. Later ,he told me it was a girl I once dated. She was not just a girl I once dated though.she was the only one i had ever dated.the only girl I had ever loved was dead.Upon hearing the news, the moment I had told her,"It's over. " flashed before me.Her watery eyes...the sound of her sobbing... It was at that moment that I understood I was actually in love with her. But what could I do now? She was no more for me to confess my love.Maybe I deserved it.after all I had broken the heart of an innocent girl who was in love.and now the universe had returned the favor. An eye for an eye.
The doctors tell me that I have some kind of a deadly disease of which I care no more than I do about the news in the gossips column. It doesn't matter if I know the name of the disease or not. Either way, I’ll die. They tell me I don't have long but that isn't news to me. I’m a dying man and I know it.
I did some great things back in the day. Things that everyone could feel proud of were they the doer. I too,am proud of those things but it doesn't satisfy me. Because... when you lie on the deathbed, it doesn't matter how much good you've done over the years. What does matter is all the things you could've done. Things you could've done differently. And, the irony is there always is an alternative.
I have many regrets. But I don't regret that I've many regrets. I know what I'm saying sounds idiotic. But you'll get what I mean in the next few sentences. Probably.
What I regret above all is not holding on to her tighter. Not trying harder. I now know that it is the greatest mistake of my life and I've known it for quite some time. But it was all a little too late. I never thought I was ever alone. I never felt alone. Not until that dark gloomy day. I always attributed me not feeling alone to the fact that I had many friends and well wishers. But I now know I couldn't have been more wrong. No doubt I had won over quite some people over the years and, yet me not feeling alone had nothing to do with the number of friends I had.
Like any other day I was sitting on the rocking chair admiring the beauty of the inevitable cycle of nature. The laligurans tree once so beautiful... full of laligurans and green leaves stood sad and barren in the garden. But still I admired it . Because I knew it was necessary. For without it ,the next generation of laligurans would never be able to see the light of day. I knew there's no life without death. Life and death are not two different things. They are in a way the two parts of the same thing. There is death because there is life. And death is not the end but rather a beginning of something else. You die...you decay...you fuel another life. I fully comprehended the idea of life and death. And believed I could see anyone die and not feel sad about it.
But life is not so straightforward. The very next day I had a visitor...one of my friends. He told me that someone had died. And even before he revealed who it was, I felt cold,inside and out. Later ,he told me it was a girl I once dated. She was not just a girl I once dated though.she was the only one i had ever dated.the only girl I had ever loved was dead.Upon hearing the news, the moment I had told her,"It's over. " flashed before me.Her watery eyes...the sound of her sobbing... It was at that moment that I understood I was actually in love with her. But what could I do now? She was no more for me to confess my love.Maybe I deserved it.after all I had broken the heart of an innocent girl who was in love.and now the universe had returned the favor. An eye for an eye.
***
Now, I had no desire for life. Life seems
Meaningless without my one true love...I know I was not with her before she died. But love is crazy.You might be in love with someone for ages without even knowing until the day you finally realize. And at that instantl it might already be a little too late.
I had to live with the agony,guilt and self loathing for five long years. And finally here I'm today, at the very last moments of regrets...I'll die full of regrets. And as sad as it sounds it's not. Do you know why?Simple. No more regrets.How? As far as I know a corpse cannot regret.
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